DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
