Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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