did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize