Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
