He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
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