I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
