I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
