moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
