Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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