you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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