i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
