On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
