You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
