totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
