my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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