my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
