you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
