In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my shit smells like andre
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
