3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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