i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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