i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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