The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
