Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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