Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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