so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
