I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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