1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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