im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
