loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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