he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
