My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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