Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've blown a few things in my day
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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