My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
