haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
