hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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