I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
