before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
