You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
