Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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