she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
