haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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