Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
