Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
