In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
