What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
