you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
