dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
