If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
