i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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