it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
