He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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