Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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