me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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