How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
