I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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