i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
