if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
